March 31, 2008

We’re Expecting!!!

I know! I can’t believe it either! (And yes, it was on purpose! Why do people ask that anyway?) I went off birth control on the 1st of March never thinking that we would be lucky enough to conceive on our first try!

The story about how we found out is destined to be one of my favorites.

AF (who is usually pretty punctual) was due to arrive on the 28th but had thus far not made her appearance. I planned to put off POAS until my Honey and I could be home together on Sunday, the 30th.

On Saturday evening, we went to dinner at Pei Wei with a couple of our friends. DH absolutely LOVES their fortune cookies so he always grabs a few for dessert. I couldn’t believe it when he showed me his fortune!I got a shiver down my spine “Huh. How’s that for a sign?” Up until that point I had been pretty calm about the whole “getting pregnant” thing. What are the odds that I’d get KU on the first shot anyway? After seeing that little piece of paper though, my heart started racing a hundred miles a minute and I couldn’t calm down to save my life. I didn’t sleep at all that night knowing that I’d be testing in the morning. So here comes Sunday morning and off I go to the bathroom. Three minutes later, I was sure it was negative, and I was bummed. DH on the other hand, swore up and down that he could see another line. A really, really, faint, almost non-existent line, but a line nonetheless. After staring at it for ten minutes, I still didn’t see what he was seeing. So a few hours later, I took another one. Same result; could be...but still wasn’t really sure. So, am I, or am I not? I couldn’t stand it! Finally, we went to Walgreen’s and bought a digital test, the one that says “Pregnant” or “Not Pregnant” those stupid two-line tests were driving me crazy! I had to have an absolute answer!

Somehow I slept through the night and took the digital test on Monday morning. I had convinced myself it would be negative, but took the test with very shaky hands. I couldn’t bring myself to look at it. I laid the test face down on the bathroom counter and began to prepare my toothbrush. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I picked it up and turned it over. *Gasp* “Oh my God!!!” My poor Honey was still asleep before that little outburst. “What?! What’s the matter?” I couldn’t speak, I just walked over to the bed and showed him the test.

“I told you! I told you I saw two lines yesterday!” He had the biggest, silliest smile on his face and I couldn’t stop crying. They were totally happy tears though. The only bad thing about that morning was that we had to leave each other and go to work. I was really hoping to be able to bask in our happiness together for at least a day, but those two-line tests ruined that! Oh well, being at work wasn’t so bad, it gave me a chance to plan how we were going to tell our parents/families. I spent most of the day not working and looking up pregnancy and baby info, but who could really blame me?

April 1, 2008

Today was not a good day.

Yesterday, I called the doctor’s office and told them I got a positive HPT and asked them if I could schedule an appointment with my doctor. They informed me then that I would have to come in and take the test at the office before they would schedule the appointment. I needed to have my blood drawn at the lab. Now, I detest needles, but for this, I would grin and bear it. I had to wait until the end of the day before I could go in, and I didn’t make it there until they were about to close. The lady behind the desk told me that they couldn’t do a blood draw without my doctor’s consent, and I couldn’t see my doctor until I got a positive test, but I couldn’t get the test without a blood draw! WTH!? She offered me a urine test instead and said that the results from that test should be enough to get me in to my doctor. Fine. I peed in the little cup and went home; they said that I would have to wait until the next day for the results because I had arrived so late.

So the next day I missed the call from the office and got a message saying to call them back. This is how the conversation went:

Her “For privacy reasons, please confirm your date of birth”
Me: *I did *
Her: “And what type of test did you do?”
Me: “Pregnancy”
Her: In a very matter-of-fact tone of voice “Ok. The result of that test was.......negative.”
Me: Devastated. “What?”
Her: “Is that a surprise?”
Me: I was starting to cry. “Yes. I took a home pregnancy test in the morning and it said Positive.”

Long pause

Her: “Are you late?”
Me: Full on crying now. “Yes”
Her: “How late?”
Me: “Almost a week”
Her: “Well...we normally recommend that you wait until you’re two weeks late before coming here. It could be that you’re still really early and the hormones haven’t reached a detectable level yet. If you don’t get your period in another week, you should come back.”

Another long pause

Her: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “No.”
Her: “Um. Ok. Well, try to have a good day then.”
Me: *Click*

I frantically called DH at work and told him what happened. He didn’t believe it for a second. After three positive at-home tests (one of which was digital), there’s no way I couldn’t be pregnant. He had to go, so I called my BFF in California, but didn’t get an answer so I just came back to my desk. Luckily, I have a pretty great internet group and I posted this on the message board to see if they could help me figure out what happened:

False Positive?? Please Help!!

I'm not sure what to think right now, but I got a call from my doctor's office with the results of the urine test that I took yesterday afternoon. They said that the results were negative! How is it that I can get a BFP from the HPT in the morning and a BFN from the lab? Someone PLEASE answer this question. I'm dying over here!

I’m so glad that I posted because they immediately made me feel better. They told me that the doctor’s offices buy the tests in bulk and usually get the cheapie ones. They aren’t as sensitive as the ones we can buy at the pharmacy and they are notoriously unreliable if you go in too early.

I also did some research on the internet and came upon a novel little site, http://www.peeonastick.com/. This site had all the answers I was looking for and now I really feel ok. I learned that false positives are possible, but extremely rare. And they are almost non-existent when using the digital tests (as I had). I think it’s safe to say that the test they did at the doctor’s office is unreliable. They were probably right about it being too early for their test to pick up the hormones. Just to ease my mind though, I’m going to take another digital test in the morning to confirm MY positive result. Good thing I bought a two-pack!!

April 2, 2008

Stupid Lab!!

I should call them and give them a piece of my mind! I took the other digital test this morning and again, it came up “Pregnant”! One would think that the doctor’s office would buy at least an equally sensitive pregnancy test! It doesn’t make sense that they would get a less sensitive test for such an important result! Ugh! I can finally put my mind at ease knowing that little Baby is definitely in there and hopefully growing just as he/she is supposed to.

It’s only been a few days since we found out, but our conversations have already gotten a lot more interesting. Instead of talking about that crazy customer that DH had, or the annoying store manager that I had to deal with that day; we’re now saying things like “According to my pregnancy calendar, Baby’s heart started beating today, cool huh?” DH has also taken to calling me Preggo and patting my belly when he leaves for work in the morning. I know some women don’t like the whole Preggo, Preggers, Preggy thing, but I don’t care. I think it’s cute.

Symptoms / How I feel:
So far I’ve been feeling ok. I know it could be a lot worse! I have some cramping going on (which I know is because my uterus is stretching out to crazy proportions) and I’ve had a touch of nausea, but nothing too terrible. I’ve also started the frequent pee breaks. I didn’t realize that they would start right away, but even with no huge baby yet, my bladder is still getting squished by good ol’ stretched out uterus. Oh, and I almost forgot about the bloating. Woo. Now THAT’s pretty bad. I can barely button up my pants! I’m only 4 weeks and 4 days along! I should still be able to fit into my pants for crying out loud!

It’s so hard not to be able to talk to anyone about the things I’m going through right now. It feels like everyone around me knows I’m keeping a secret, and they know what it is! Because I feel a little reserved about it, we decided to wait and announce our happy news on Mother’s Day. I’m thinking of sending DH's mom a basket of pink and blue flowers with a Happy Mother’s Day balloon and a card that says “You’re going to be a grandma.......again!” I would just hand my mom her basket of course. OR I saw the cutest little onsies online that say “I love my Nana/Grandma”. Those would be super cute too! I just can’t decide right now. Ideally, I would like to accompany whatever we send with a sonogram picture so they can see our little one. Luckily, Mother’s Day is almost nine weeks, so we should be able to have our ultrasound appointment by then. I probably won’t even make it to Mother’s Day before we let the cat out of the bag, but for now, that’s the plan.

Speaking of Mother’s Day. There was an interesting debate on my internet chat board about whether expectant moms should celebrate the holiday. I’m going to say yes, they absolutely should. An expectant mother is still a mother isn’t she?

April 8, 2008

Ugh, I’m already super tired!

I read that fatigue could set in this early, but I was feeling so good up till now, that I thought I had side-stepped it. I’m now waiting on the more horrible symptoms. According to my PG book, the bad stuff is “scheduled” to start next week or the week after. Great. So far, I’m getting the occasional cramping and still have the constant bloat. I am also experiencing heartburn/indigestion for the first time; it’s really not a pleasant feeling. And I’m hungry.all.the.time. I’m starting to worry that I’m going to put on 100 pounds and not be able to bounce back after Baby gets here. On a good note, I’m eating much better. No more cookies and soda, Taco Bell, or other junky foods. Now my snacks consist of yogurt (which I never used to eat before), string cheese, fruit cups, granola bars, and cans of V8. I was never a fan of V8, but I think I’m getting used to it. Hopefully I’ll be able to balance it out; eating more, but eating better. It works like that...right? I went out and got a book for DH that reads along with what my book is telling me. It even gives him hints on what to do to make my day easier and what NOT to say (e.g. getting fat). I didn’t expect him to actually read it, but he has. I think he’s more excited about this baby than he lets on.

We went car shopping on Sunday. We realized that our current vehicle situation is not the greatest for Baby. My truck only has two seats, and let’s face it, his Mustang doesn’t exactly scream family friendly. We managed to go to only two dealerships all day. Never having bought a car at a dealership, I didn’t realize how manic the salespeople are. They won’t let you leave! We checked out the Chevy Equinox; I thought it was nice, but they were asking a lot for a vehicle with obvious front end damage and 50,000 miles on it. When we couldn’t bring them down to our price, we left. Total a waste of time. Next, we went to a Dodge dealership where I fell in love with the new Caliber. It’s soooo cute, and has tons of room inside. It’s funny to me that we’re telling random strangers that we “have one on the way” as our reason for buying a new car, but we have yet to tell our family and friends. Weird. We didn’t buy anything because DH wanted to do some more research online about the safety and other things. We’ll probably commit to one in the next six months or so. I’m really excited about that!

I had lunch with my mom for the second day in a row. It’s getting harder and harder not to say anything about being PG. I’m trying really hard to stick to my Mother’s Day plan, but I fear that I’m not going to make it. Yesterday there was talk about going to CA so Grandma could be with all of her kids, which would have totally ruined the plan I had going in my head. But it seems Grandma changed her mind today; with all the drama that’s been going on, a get-together probably wouldn’t happen. So now we’re back to having Mother’s Day here, yay! I’m thinking now, that we’ll send flowers to DH’s mom as planned, but since my mom is here, I wanted to do something a little different. I keep asking her what she wants for Mother’s Day all the while planning to get her a cute little baby frame and an “I love my Grandma” onesie. I’m hoping to be able to put a sonogram picture in the frame, but if we can’t get in by then (or they don’t do the sonogram at that time) I’ll just put a piece of paper in there that says “Picture to come in December 2008”. I cannot wait to see her reaction! But I’m still really nervous at the same time. I don’t know why I have this feeling, I know she’ll be happy, but I can’t shake this feeling of white-hot fear that I get every time I think of telling her. I've been married for two years already, it's not like I'm a teenager in trouble. It's gotta be the hormones.

I have to go back to the lab for another pee test this week and I so don’t want to go. After the blasé way that the nurse handled my first test, I don’t know if I’m comfortable going back there. It makes me wonder if the “crisis pregnancies” of the world have ruined it for the women that actually want babies. It bugged the hell out of me when she asked me if the negative result was a surprise. I just wanted to reach through the phone and smack her. Not every pregnancy is a crisis! Of course, in order to see my doctor, I’ll have to do the test, so I guess whining about it isn’t going to help anyone. But I am going to put it off as long as I can. I’ll probably do it at the end of the week; Thursday maybe. I also started researching OB’s in my area and found one that looks promising who also happens to work at a highly regarded hospital; they have a very high rating for labor and delivery among their patients, and it’s only six miles from the house! Woo hoo! After I get the results back from this test, I’m going to ask to be transferred to her care. Hopefully that won’t be hard to do!

On a final note, my honey and I started taking belly pics for use on this blog. This one is me at 5 weeks, 1 day. You can tell I’m a little bloated, but who cares?

April 9, 2008

Emotional See-saw

I don’t want to be one of women that obsess over every little cramp and twinge while they’re pregnant, but this latest development is scaring the crap out of me! This may be a little TMI, but I’m keeping this journal for me, so if you’re easily grossed out, or really don’t want to know intimate (and kind of gross) things about someone else’s body, I wouldn’t recommend reading any further!

I noticed this morning when I sat down to pee, that there was some brownish spots in my panties and a little bit more on the tissue. My first reaction was to get on Google and see if I could find anything. Unfortunately, I found information going to either side; ok/normal to bad/scary. I read that some women do have this for the first trimester and could mean that the uterus is stretching more and causing some small vessels to burst and bleed, or that its “old” blood left over in my cervix (gross), but that I shouldn’t worry about it unless it’s accompanied by bad cramping or if it’s red (I have neither of those). On the other hand (and this is the thing that really freaked me out), it could be a sign of an early miscarriage! I called my doctor’s office and requested a blood draw this time. Forget about the pee test! The girl said she would put in a request with my doc for the paperwork and that the lab would call me when they got it. That was at 8:30 this morning and it’s now 1:00 and still no call from them. I’m going to give ‘em till 3:00 and then follow up. I really hope this is nothing!

Update: I got a call from the lab saying they received the paperwork and I could go in anytime. It’s too late now (almost 3:30), and I carpooled anyway, so I’ll have to wait till tomorrow morning. *Ugh

April 10, 2008

FINALLY got the blood draw!

I went in as soon as they opened so I wouldn’t have to wait forever. It only ended up being about 20 minutes and I was out of there. They guy that drew the blood was really good, there was only the slightest pinch and that was it. I even got a “good luck” from him. The only downside is I have to wait until tomorrow for the results. I hate waiting! Especially because I’m still spotting a little bit and it’s freakin’ me out. I want to know my beta count and progesterone levels already!

April 11, 2008

Would you just freakin’ call me back?!

The tech that took my blood yesterday said that I should be receiving a call sometime this morning. I have been anxiously waiting since 8:00 am, when they opened. It is now 11:30. I’m going to go to lunch at noon, and if they haven’t called me by the time I get back, I’m calling them myself. I hate being on pins and needles waiting for them while they take their sweet time!

Update: Well, I got back from lunch at 1:00 and still nothing, so I called. The nurse said they had just received the results back from the lab, but the nurses who make the phone calls were on lunch and I should hear back from them sometime this afternoon... *argh*

Update: 3:15 now, and still no phone call. How many could they possibly have to do?! I called again and the lady said that she would pull my chart and leave a special note for the nurse to call me ASAP.

Update: They FINALLY called me; it’s 4:30! After waiting all day, the same nurse that called me last week now informs me that I am in fact pregnant (duh) and that I should be taking prenatal vitamins (to which I respond that I already am), and then says that I need to schedule an appt. with one of the OBs on the list that I should’ve gotten when my blood was drawn. Only, I never got a list. But knowing the doctor that I wanted, I just asked if she was on the list, and she was. Yay! Unfortunately the earliest appt. she has is for May 29th! That would put me at 12 weeks, which just seems really late to me. I’m going to call periodically before then and see if I can get in on a cancellation. Also, they didn’t get an HCG level, they only checked for the positive result, so I’ll have no way of knowing if everything is progressing the way it should be until I can get in to see the doctor. I can’t even express how frustrating that is.

April 17, 2008

Doc, you're done.

The more I thought about it, the more annoyed I got. Yesterday the spotting came back and it was more than the last time, so I got a little worried. I called to see if I could get in to the doctor any sooner than May 29th and the girl told me there was nothing they could do and to go to the emergency room instead. While I am concerned, I really don’t think the emergency room is the appropriate response. It’s not a huge amount, and it’s not red and no painful cramps. I just wanted to put my mind at ease and at least talk to the doctor if I couldn’t see her. But of course, I couldn’t talk to her because she was booked solid. I decided at that time that it would probably be best that I find a doctor’s office that is more available to help me should I need it. So I did. I called around and found another doctor, one that would be willing to see me today if I decide that I need to come in. Right now, I think I’m ok, so I won’t go, but I did schedule an appointment with her for the 28th of THIS month. Going in at 8 weeks sounds so much better to me than 12! She’s a little further away from the house, about half way between the office and home, so that will actually work out to be a nice balance. And she also delivers at the hospital I wanted; definitely a plus. DH was much happier that I’m going to go in for the first appointment at 8 weeks. I think the 12 week thing was bothering him too.

For a while, it was looking like my brother and SIL weren’t going to come to AZ for Mother’s Day, but mom and I devised a plan that looks to yield the result I want. I suggested that we all go and visit Kartchner Caverns in Tucson for the day. DH and I went there on the way back from our 1st Anniversary trip and loved it. The cave is amazing. Mom really liked the idea of going and put it to grandma, who agreed it sounded like fun. We started wondering if there was any way to get the newlyweds out here to join us. I said that SIL wouldn’t want to come because she would want to be with her mom. So we thought that if we invited all of them (Bro & SIL, her parents & brothers), they might just make the trip. We’d all be together and SIL could still spend the day with her mom. All the while I’m thinking this going to be one AWESOME Mother’s Day! I can barely contain myself anymore! I want to tell them soooo bad! Right now, it looks like the plan is working. SIL emailed for more info on the caverns, I think that’s a good sign! Our Mother’s Day plan is coming together so much better than I had anticipated.

We found the cutest little bibs at Wal-Mart that say “I Love Grandma” and “I Love Grandpa”. We got two of each because we didn’t want the grandpas to feel left out. I’m still planning on the Baby frame for Great Grandma, and with the April 28th appointment, I just may get my wish of a sonogram picture! I’m trying to lure DH’s parents out here too. If we can’t get them to come out, we’re already planning to go to CA for a friend’s birthday on May 17th, which is the weekend after, so we’d just tell them then. I would really like to tell them in person. The flower thing, I think would’ve been cute, but wouldn’t compare to seeing their reactions! I can just see DH' s mom opening up her Mother’s Day gift and pulling out the bib. *sigh* I’m getting so excited!

April 18, 2008

New Day, Still Worried...

...still spotting, but thankfully, nothing else. I haven’t had any cramping, but this spotting thing is really starting to eat at my sanity. I don’t know if I’m going to make it to the 28th. Ten days seems so far away now.

12:33pm

I just found this poem online. It would work perfectly with my frame idea; I just wish it was in Spanish! I think now that I’ll get frames for all of them, instead of just great-grandma.

I do not have a face to see,
Or put inside a frame.
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss,
I don’t yet have a name.
You can’t yet hold my tiny hands,
Nor whisper in my ear.
It’s still too soon to sing a song,
Or cuddle me so near.
But all will change come December,
That’s when they say I’m due.
I’m your new grandson or granddaughter;
I can’t wait till I meet you.
All I ask between now and then
Is your patience while I grow.
I promise I’ll be worth the wait,
Because of all the love we’ll know.
So what I have to give you now,
Is a wish to you from me.
I cannot wait to be a part
Of this wonderful family!

I think I’m going to bust out crying! It’s so adorable!

April 21, 2008

Miscarriage #2

It seems I had good reason to worry over the spotting and the worst happened on Friday night. Around lunchtime on Friday, the spotting I’d had over several days started to get a red tinge to it. By nine o’clock, I was bleeding. DH kept asking me if I wanted to go to the ER and I kept saying no, that there was nothing they could do to stop it. I was in a lot of pain though, and finally, at almost two in the morning, I decided that maybe we should go after all. I’ve never experienced such painful cramping. They were evenly spaced, a couple of minutes apart, I guess something like contractions. By the time we got to the ER, I was passing clots and bleeding heavily. Our Sweet Pea was most definitely gone. I couldn’t even answer the simplest question because I was crying so hard; my poor honey had to speak for me. The nurse drew some blood and then had us wait until they could get the results back. We waited a long time. I think it was almost two hours. Then the nurse came back and said she was going to take me back for an ultrasound. I lay down in the bed, still in tears. I knew she wasn’t going to find anything, but I had to do the ultrasound anyway. She told me that the blood work showed I had an HCG level of seven. A number more suited to a couple of days PG, not a few weeks. She did a trans-pelvic first and took a lot of pictures. Then, she did a trans-vag and took even more. She turned up the sound to hear my heartbeat, and when she turned it back down, I knew we wouldn’t be hearing Baby’s.

The pictures went to radiology to be read and we were put back in the waiting room. Two more hours go by and another nurse came to get us and put us in a room. He said that the doctor would be coming in to talk to us in a little while. About half an hour later the doctor came in and asked us more questions and we talked for a while. Then he did a pelvic exam and found more clots. He said my cervix was open, so definitely a miscarriage. Our second in less than a year. The radiologist didn’t find anything. No sac, no fetal pole, nothing. I can only assume that they were already gone by the time they got the ultrasound done. We don’t know when the baby stopped growing, but I think it was probably around the time that I first had spotting about a week and a half ago. It would explain my lack of symptoms. I never had any morning sickness, no sore boobs, and only minor cramping. My appetite didn’t change much and my energy level didn’t really go down. The whole time I kept telling myself that not everyone gets the bad symptoms and I should count myself lucky. I should’ve gone with my instincts. I felt like there was something wrong, but I didn’t want to believe it.

We were in the ER for six hours. I cried the whole time. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life, I’ve never felt this level of sadness. I’m still bleeding today, though not as heavily, and I have to schedule a follow up appointment with my regular doctor so she can make sure everything has passed on its own. If it doesn’t, I’ll have to get a D&C. I really hope I don’t have to do that.

I decided to tell mom and daddy what happened. I got so sad when she misunderstood what I was saying at first and thought that I was telling her I was pregnant. I had to correct her and say I WAS pregnant, but I’m not anymore. They came over to the house and just hung around, doing whatever they could for us. There wasn’t much, but having them close was a comfort. They took us to breakfast on Sunday which was nice, and I got some much needed distraction watching the Lakers game that afternoon. But after they left, and I started thinking, the tears came back. I cried myself to sleep and woke up puffy this morning. I considered calling in today, but DH had to work and I couldn’t stand the thought of being by myself.

I don’t know if waiting two cycles applies when you haven’t had a D&C, I’ll have to ask about that. I would like to start trying again soon. I know we have to wait till my level is down to zero, but I suspect that it already has; it’s been a few days now. I’ll have to make sure at the follow up though. I just pray that we’re able to get pregnant right away again. Now I have to find some way to tell my internet buddies. I know they’re a bunch of women I’ve never met, and will probably never meet, but they’ve been there for me throughout, and telling them is going to be hard too.

April 22, 2008

Goodbye Sweet Angel Baby

I had my follow up appointment yesterday with the OB that I was supposed to see for our first appointment next week. DH was able to get off early and come with me. Since they didn’t find anything on the ultrasound on Friday, and I wasn’t having the painful cramps anymore, she said that she wouldn’t put me through another pelvic exam. I was so thankful for that. We sat talking about what had happened and what may have been the cause of the loss. She suspects that the cyst my ovary was supposed to form to sustain the baby didn’t do its job in producing the progesterone hormones. Of course, it could’ve just been a chromosomal abnormality with the baby and my body recognized it and kicked it out. She said we should wait three months before trying again. I don’t know how I’m going to get through that. It seems like such a long time. And to top it off, DH and I can’t be together for three weeks. Sucks.

I’ve decided to do some kind of memorial for baby. I’ll probably put a little box together and keep some of the things from the pregnancy; the pictures of the positive home test, the fortune DH got the night before our BFP, the bracelet from the ER, and my journal entries. I’ve requested a memorial bracelet from an organization online that does them for free. Also, the George Strait song, I Saw God Today, was kind of our theme from the first time we found out we were pregnant. I’m putting the lyrics in there, and this poem:

You were only the size of a little sweet pea,
But already my baby to me.
I couldn't feel you move or kick,
Too soon to hear a heartbeat.
A part of my heart was sent with you,
When you were called to Heaven’s door.
I may never know the reasons why,
That day God loved you more.Y
ou never heard your Mommy’s laugh,
Never saw your Daddy's smile.
You were such a big part of us,
If only for a short while.
I know we’ll be together again,
When God hands you back to me.
For now He’ll be the one to hold you close,
But my baby you’ll always be.